Monday, February 16, 2015

7 Days

Writing has always been my choice of therapy, and its something I turn to when I feel like I am sinking. My catharsis.

It has been 7 days since my emergency D&C after 6+ hours of attempting to naturally miscarry. I am in the throes of depression and feel all sorts of defeat.  I have dealt with anxiety, but have never ever been in the deepest throes of depression as I am now. My therapist believes postpartum. Regardless of the type, I wish I could take this pain away from anyone who is suffering from loss or depression. I can personally say I have never suffered as I am now. This I know is true. I was planning on returning to work this morning, but it didn't happen due to a variety of reasons including a stress/hormonal/dehydration induced migraine. I am not who I was 8 days ago.

The last 7 days have spent in a wave of ups and downs. I am aware, but as of right now the waves cannot be controlled. I have been lucky enough to spend a lot of that time with G, but the time without him around has not been easy on me. Probably another reason I couldn't lift myself out of bed this morning. He was in bed, and I couldn't leave him.  My therapist suggested finding something to comfort myself, and right now the only thing I can find is him.  I want to be as close to him as possible, and find myself thanking God that I was blessed to have met him and spend the rest of my life with him.  I am thankful for him, but aware that I need to ultimately tune in to controlling the anxiety and self-soothing.

The doctor appointments have begun. I went to therapy this past Saturday, and visited my primary care/chiropractor this past Thursday.  I was given a homeopathic anxiety spray and also a prescription of Xanax. I made my follow-up doctor appointments for next week with my regular OB and the OB that performed the procedure. I will also be making another appointment with the RE we saw this past summer. As of right now, the plan is simply putting one foot in front of the other, grieving but not letting depression get the best of me.

It is all easier said than done.

**I plan on continuously blogging about our loss not only for me, but for anyone that may feel as alone and hopeless as I have the last week.  If you are reading this, YOU are not alone. There is someone else feeling exactly the way you do right now.

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