Thursday, April 9, 2015

Loss, Infertility and Marriage

It’s not easy. 

We have argued, disagreed and cried.

My husband and I have been through a lot together, but pregnancy loss has been by far the most difficult.  The last couple of months have been an emotional roller-coaster; endless doctor’s appointments, numerous tests, bad news, financial strain and extremely difficult decisions.  The future holds uncertainty, but for certain the next few months will hold the same stress on our relationship.

The truth is we are not perfect and our relationship is not perfect. We are not always emotionally on the same page. In my opinion, there is a huge gender difference when it comes to dealing with obstacles such as infertility and pregnancy loss.

I have learned that a man has an instinct to “fix” problems, and in this case his hands are tied.  The heartbreak I see on his face when he sees me depressed or anxious breaks my heart, but in the throes of everything I cannot “snap out of it”.  The wicked thoughts begin, and I immediately feel he is not invested as I because his reactions cannot even touch my extreme emotions.

However, we have made it to today because we love each other unconditionally, and both know in our hearts we can survive anything. On most occasions when nobody can; he can reassure me, calm me  and love me when I am not very lovable.  I am sure there are plenty more arguments, disagreements and tantrums (by me) in our future, but we are in this together. 

There are dark days but there are also bright days. 

His love for me does not go unnoticed.  We have learned just how invested we are into one another and have learned quite a lot about each other through this difficult process.  We have learned to tread lightly and treat each other with more compassion.  We argue less and talk more. My tone is softer and he has become more patient. We are beginning to live more in the moment and focusing more on each other.  As you can see there are benefits from any struggle.  These are a few of ours.

What the days ahead will bring us is unknown, but as of right now one of our goals is strengthening our marriage.  It's been proven a weak marriage it not likely to withstand the emotional roller-coaster of infertility.   

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11



  1. You two are great for each other and I am so happy you found each other!

  2. I'm so sorry that you are going through this emotional journey. You wrote about what you are going through so candidly and eloquently. You are not alone. What you are experiencing would ring true to so many other couples in your same boat- it seems to me like you would really be a ray of light for others, even though it might feel like you're in a slump yourself right now. I'm a fertility nurse, so, if you ever want to chat about anything you're going through off the blog- questions about treatment, meds, etc., I'm totally willing to chat. Hang in there, and keep on nurturing your relationship and living in the moment as you've been doing. That's the best thing you can do!