Saturday, October 3, 2015

Where Shall I Begin?

My husband and I met with my RE yesterday, and I had a whole list of what I wanted to talk about. 

My usual nurse asked me how I was feeling, and I responded honestly, "fat". It's the truth. I have gained a total of 25 lbs since the beginning of the year. Frightening.  I cannot blame it on the meds, but I can blame it on a pregnancy, miscarriage, emotional eating and stress.

My RE asked how I was feeling, and I responded honestly, "fat and emotionally disturbed".  

The truth.  

She assured me that many others felt the same exact way. This whole IVF thing is not easy. This was somewhat reassuring as I do know this to be true but it meant something coming from her. She didn't even blink at my honesty. 

I threw out my wild idea of transferring embryos without testing and told her that at this point I am unsure if another miscarriage would even phase me.  She bluntly told me, "It will". My husband then agreed with her and said, "We never thought this was going to be easy, but we didn't expect things to be this difficult.  However, we have come way too far to give up so easily or not give it all we have."

& he's right. I am deathly afraid of disappointment and want immediate satisfaction. Even before IVF, I have had major issues with living in limbo. I am a very black and white individual.  In order to succeed, I have to let go of this fear.  I have to have patience and faith.   

Who would have thought IVF would be about personal development? 

I inquired of my LH levels this past cycle, and they were exactly where they should be. I felt that non existent levels of LH could have ruined the cycle. My RE feels from a numbers standpoint my second cycle was much more what she would like to see than the first cycle. This is hard for me to grasp.  She is not opposed to me going back to the Antagonist protocol, but her recommendation is Long Lupron.  Her and the embryologist feel that my husband's fever was a negative factor in our last cycle. I guess the Summer flu was running rampant and they saw more than one case like ours. 

I trust my doctor.  My husband trusts her. I am sick of researching, and feel that I need to just follow her recommendation and have faith. So, I am giving myself the weekend to discuss with my husband one more time and make a decision.  

My goal this cycle - STRESS LESS

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